Real Relationships

We, as humans, need others.

I think we all know that, but I’m going to give you some examples anyway.

Think of any family movie. The moral of those stories is that family is the most important thing in our lives. Think about Lilo&Stitch, Finding Nemo, RV, The Jungle Book, etc. The theme is that when we come to the end of our lives and look back on the life we’ve lived, the thing that we will look upon most fondly is the people.

Okay, that’s a cheesy example. Fair enough.

Look at one of the worst punishments a human can endure: solitary confinement. Why is it so terrible? Because one of our greatest fears is being alone. Why is that? Because we need others.

Convinced yet? No? Well, you’re wrong. We need people. It took me years to come to terms with that, but I promise you, there’s no other answer. Trust me.

Okay, so we’re all on board with the fact that we, as humans, need others (except for the few stubborn people, but hey, “you can’t please everyone.”) The unfortunate thing is that we don’t often have a great relationship with this truth. For instance, how many of us have been in a relationship where we have to sacrifice a part ourselves so that we can recieve that human connection. On the opposite side of this, there are so many of us that are afraid to be human and imperfect, so we stay away from relationships.

This came to a culmination for me really well on Sunday where we talked about Community Killers – those things which kill community. What I realized, though, is that community killers affect relationships as well. Whether that relationship is between you and a S/O, you and a parent, you and a sibling, you and a friend, you and a roommate, you and yourself, you and a stranger. So, what are some community killers? And how do we overcome them?

1. Expectations:

Too high: We go into a relationship thinking that we’re going to grow with one another. We’re going to be great friends. We think “They’ll be in my wedding. We’ll be in the same nursing home together.” It’s great to fantasize and think about, but the danger is that when they don’t immediately live up to our expectations, we allow a sort of disappointment lead to resentment which can kill the relationship. I’m guilty of this too. I think “Day one, we’re going to speak truth into each other’s lives and be great friends.” I’m learning, more and more every day, that we have to be gradual when it comes to relationships.

Too low: The flip side of this is when we go in with the opposite mentallity. We think, “yeah, I’m going to meet with this person, but they won’t really impact my life, and we’ll just politely wave to each other and that’s it.” The danger being that when we go in with these expectations, we don’t give the other person the opportunity to be that connection that we need in our life. By doing so, we put a barrier between ourselves and every other person. Then, when we come to a point when we need people, we look around and realize they’re all so far away. Some people blame themselves and some people blame others, but the root is having too low of expectations.

2. The warm fuzzies:

Yes, that is a technical term. The warm fuzzies refers to those great moments of friendship that happen when you’re laughing hysterically or having a good chat or enjoying a friendly game of Mario Kart or what have you. These are the fun parts of relationships. BUT, though important, they are not the only part of a relationship. It is equally important to be able to speak truth into one another’s lives. What does that mean? It means that we have to be able to recognize truth and then speak it. Unfortunately it’s not as easy as it sounds.

The hard truth: This requires you to open up and be honest with others about yourself, but it also requires you to be honest about others. So, for instance, I’ve got a good friend that’s at a pretty scary part of his life. I know him. I know that sometimes he just has to push through the scary parts in order for it to be worth it. But I also know that he will choose to focus on ANYTHING else if it means he doesn’t have to face that harsh reality. So, when he started talking about his next adventure, I asked him “Is this just you latching on to something that isn’t your current situation? Are you trying to get out of something that could be rewarding?” That’s hard to hear. That’s hard to say. And fortunately, he’s willing to be honest with me, too. Being honest invites in conversation; it helps us to truly connect – deeper than the warm fuzzies.

The soft truth: These are equally important. These kind of truths require us to remind someone of something they already know. This is where compliments and confirmation come in. While we can’t become dependent on these compliments, and we can’t become the person who only gives compliments, they are healthy in moderation. Sometimes we just need to hear “You are smart. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are intelligent. You are a masterpiece. You are good enough. You are enough.” It’s also nice to be recognized for something when we’ve put so much work into it. I’ve got a great friend that after reading a poem I wrote (without being prompted), messaged me to tell me how much she loved it. That was incredibly uplifting. This kind of feels like warm-fuzzies, but when it comes from a place of truth, it’s so much more than that.

So, the warm fuzzies kill community and they kill relationship. We have to be able to speak truth into each other’s lives.

This third community killer is a word that has been in my vocabulary a lot lately – not all for bad reasons. That is:

3. Fear

We often think that hate and love are opposites. Right? “If you want to overcome hate, do so through love.” I totally agree. I think that love is greater than hate. But I think that there’s something even more true. It’s been my motto through college; it’s the slogan on the Religious Life Community’s banner in response to hate-crime; and it’s the reason that “I weild love like a battleaxe”: Love is greater than Fear.

Let me backpedal quick. Fear can be healthy. Like, if you’re staring out over the edge of a cliff and you feel afraid, that’s your brain telling you “don’t jump, we could die.” But we’ve let fear seep into our relationships as well. It’s this fear where our brain says “don’t show true self, they might reject you,” or “don’t open up, he could leave,” or “don’t be honest, she might laugh,” etc. In this instance, the thing we truly crave the most is connection with others. It’s a deep desire for love. We want someone to look at our broken parts and tell us that they love us anyway. The paradox is that we are so afraid of being known, that we don’t allow ourselves to be loved. The thing that we crave the most is the very thing that gets in the way of us acheiving it. We want it, but we fear it.

One of my favorite Shakespearean quotes is “I see you, what you are.” In the context, the character is saying “I see that you’re a deceptive betrayer; you don’t fool me.” That’s scary. I’m terrified of someone looking at me and saying “I see you, what you are.” Right? “I see that you’re just a lonely puppy who pretends to be confident in love so that he doesn’t appear weak and broken and hurting even though he’s extremely lonely.” Like, ouch. Please don’t come around here anymore. But then, if that person says “I love you anyway,” I. Am. Floored. They see my dark and scary parts. They see the times I’ve failed. They’ve seen me hurt people. They’ve seen me embarass myself. They’ve seen all of the parts I’m not proud of, and yet they love me anyway?

That is a truer and a deeper love than any other. This is the homemade Macaroni and Cheese. It’s sooo much better than the boxed stuff. The fear of getting in the kitchen and messing up is keeping us from experienceing one of the truest forms of love that this life has to offer. I can’t stand by and let you keep eating boxed mac and cheese. Learn how to make some bechamel and – I’m getting off-topic. BUT the point is, we cannot let fear separate us from the fulfillment that comes through this kind of relationship. We’re talking about The Secret to Life, right? Success, Purpose, Fulfilment, True Happiness. If you want any of that, then you have to find and cultivate good relationships. How do you do that? You get rid of preconceived expectations; you balance the warm fuzzies with the truth; and you refuse to let fear get in the way of a true form of love – we have to allow ourselves to be known.

Like everything else in life, there’s a balance here. In this case, it’s between you and the other person. You have to give as much as you receive. I don’t know which part is harder for you. For me, it’s receiving love. For you maybe it’s giving or maybe it’s the same. I’d love to hear from you about your struggles or how you’re cultivating relationships. Drop a comment below, DM me on Twitter, or send me an email at XTopher.Hanson13@gmail.com.

I truly hope that this helps you to cultivate true relationships and to deepen the ones that you currently have. Now go out there and live it.

Good luck in the real world,

~χTopher